Friday, February 4, 2011

Blast from the past

Valentines day is nearing quickly and as I think about all the people in my life, I can't help but wonder about all the other people that are not. The ones I have hurt in the past. The ones that saw my true nature and ran away from it, destroyed by the words that came out of my mouth.

This is to the one I have hurt,

My heart can not rest for my mind won't let me and my prayers won't grant me peace. It's like the power of regret and guilt consume me, to a point that it binds me to my sins. Forgiveness feels undeserving, its grace to wonderful for me. But yet I search to make things right, in hopes that settling this with you will help me settle too.

I want to apologize, for all I have done and not done. For the things I have said but also have failed to tell you too. For the way I have made you feel, purposefully and pridefully for my own pleasure. For not giving you a fair chance and seeing you through my own insecurities instead of the person you really are. I feel, that I am ready to find a truth that is real and not through my own short comings.

I am so sorry that you had to see that side of me but I also want to say thank you. Thank you, for challenging my actions and my heart to a level I have never been to before. For taking me from a person that would initially see opportunities to destruct, instead of places to uplift.

Please, accept this as from a person who wants reconciliation. A person that wants to be different but knows it will take time for transformation. And a friend who's discovering that at the end of the day the person she needs to deal with is herself. Just her, sitting before all of her short comings, failures, and regrets. Understanding that to move forward, she would need to enter the past.

Sincerely, I hope that this helps you move forward in yourself. To be a women that has the confidence to live securely in a world that is insecure. A women that will finally let her walls down and know that she is more then the things that are said to her, because she is a women that can change things just by the words that she speaks.

Sincerely, hope.

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