Friday, April 25, 2014

Wall flower

One of my first deepest hurts was when I was called a wall flower. Unsure of what that even meant, it was defined for me. 

"Some one who does not stand out or stand apart. They do what the rest do. They merely exist."

At least that was the definition that I was given when I was a child. 

And I didn't really even get it.

But as I grew up. I realized that I have mostly been the person walking under some one else's shadow. 

Who ever my friends have been in the past, they were always people that I wanted to be a little more like.

And it was true, I would briefly live my life on their pretty little paper. 

 But I soon grew up. 

And I got married to my best friend.

And for a while I enjoyed nothing else. He was in fact everything I needed, because for the first time in my life, I fit into his life instead of on his wall.

The challenge was that I was alone a lot. I was in a new country, married to a man that wanted to create a future of finances for our life through business. Which meant he was away a lot. And I was completely alone for long periods of time, absent of relationships and people. That season was the hardest season to walk through, but yet, it was one of the most powerful ones that shaped me, my marriage, and ultimately my life. I know that it was in that season that God defined and secured himself to me. And I find myself coming back to it over and over again. All with praise. Every part of it I am grateful for.

And I prayed. I prayed as often as I cried, almost as if there were no other ways to pray.  I prayed that God would bring me friendships that were right in His eyes. People that would be everything that He first desired for me. Ones that would sharpen me as I sharpened them. Friends that would stick closer than family, friends that bring to me the pleasantness of relationship. And then I gave God the right to guide my steps through all of it.

And I began to see the gifts of people that God brought to me and into our family. We saw how every individual, couple, family, was orchestrated in such a way that the relationships we had could only be formed by God himself. And I knew that our prayers were heard. 

I knew that we were blessed. And I cherished those blessings as far as God would allow them to be.

But I have discovered that my weaknesses never really leave me. Some how they always manage to stand close by. 
And I believe that they serve me.

They serve me, they serve you, as reminders. My weaknesses are the things that get me to my knees. They are the things that I feel so deeply, that grab a hold so tight, that some times I can barely breath. Only cry.

Only pray.

I had one of these nights a couple weeks ago. It wasn't anything that I was going to share. But here I am, sharing.

The memory kept replaying in my mind. Certain words, repeated themselves, certain feelings, circled. And I just couldn't let them go. 

It was about 2 in the morning. When I finally got dressed, and walked down stairs. 

I didn't really know what I was doing or what I even wanted. Besides sleep of course. But there I was. Sitting.

I have learned to feel comfortable being alone, often, I enjoy the thoughts in those moments and the places of vulnerability it forced me into.

So I sat there in complete silence and just let the process of thought take place. I remembered opening the bible and pouring over the scriptures, hoping to understand my feelings.

One of those feelings was intimacy. I knew that every part of me desired a deeper relationship with our friendships. So naturally I was angry that my many attempts had failed as I watched relationships that should have been mine, flourish with other people. Better people. And there I was, stuck again in my pity and in my own despair. 

And for the first time, I prayed something that I had never prayed for before.

"GOD, I said, Take this precious time in my life to secure my relationship, deeper and more intimately with you."

The words seemed almost foreign. So much of me wanted the feeling of loneliness to finally leave me, leave my children, and leave my marriage. By no means did I want more of it.

So I sat there, kind of shocked at my own prayer.

Until I realized something.   

I have always played the victim. I have continuously chosen to feel sorry for my self. And I learned how to live with it because I thought that I didn't have another choice.

That was my mistake. 

That was why I never moved too far away from it. That was why I never felt like I fitted in.

All of it was because I was meant to first secure my relationship with God. I needed to change the way I looked at lonliness, not in abandonment, but in the arms of love from a Father that desired me draw closer to Him. First. 

Never had I thought that my many failed relationships with people was Gods protection. Never had I thought that the people themselves were the doors being closed in my life. 

Never had thought that my feelings of lonliness were attacks from the enemy. Who whispered it until I believed it. Never did I ever think that my mentality as a victim discredited God of His protection and friendship over my life. 

So naturally, I was completely stunned.

And in my stunned state. I asked the next, most important question. 

What is loneliness or the absence of relationships,  intended for?

And this was what I got.

Lonliness heightens our dependancy on Him.
 In the seasons I was the lonliest, were the seasons that brought me to my knees. They contained more prayers than some times the prayers of an entire month. 

Lonliness is the absence of pressure.
Without the drive that preoccupies a person when we try to win people over, allows God to win us over. 

Lonliness is the absense of noise.
When there is no noise, no opinions, no pushed opinions from people. It creates the perfect environment for God to push His through. 

Lonliness gets us desperate.
So that we would step out into places we other wise wouldn't do on our own. It is in that desperation that allows God to create boldness.

Lonliness is God seeking us out.
Every time I felt lonely, my relationship with God was lacking. When I desired to have friendships, He asked me to be his friend first. When I asked him why they weren't growing any deeper, He asked me to go deeper with Him. 

After sitting there, in the middle of the night, I understood that loneliness was not intended to be a dessert time at all, that it isn't true of Gods desire for your life or mine. Instead God uses this fragile state in an individual to open a door into feeling secure.

I know this feeling better than anyone. I have experienced what it was like to be lonely and come out of it gaining a friendship with Him. I have felt jealousy surface when I watched people that I longed to be close to, were not mine to be close with. And I have gone out of my way countless times in every effort to deepen those relationships when I knew that I should be deepening my relationship with God. 

But today He told me why. He told me that my desires for intimacy can not be filled by people until I first searched out an intimate relationship with Him. My God. That those feelings only surface when I am lacking Him. And that my need for intimacy is really rooted in a desire to deepen my relationship with Him. First. 

I just never realized that this struggle wasn't just mine. It was my children's also. And tonight as I stayed up for half of the night, going back to old memories and some fresh hurts, I realized that those seasons shaped me, secure me and continuously draw me closer. But now, God was going to begin His work in securing my children and as the faithful God that He is,He wanted me to know just how important this next season was going to be. How vital it was going to be in my children. 

And I rejoiced. 

I was once called a wall flower, and some how that became one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. That day, God took me off the wall and poured so much water on me that I would never be any one else's flower, Except His.