Thursday, August 23, 2012


Recently I received a compliment that I couldn't stop thinking about. I had heard it said only once before, its just that this time it took on a whole different meaning.

My close friend Maria was kind enough to say that when I enter the room, I don't just walk in, I seem to magically float in. If you are wondering what that even means, like I did, let me explain.

About 6 years ago my uncle married a wonderful girl named Irene. She was simple, kind, and had a wonderful heart for people. Just by talking to her I often felt that I was in the presence of greatness, and I couldn't even pinpoint why. All I knew, was that everything about her was beautiful to a point that it was even hard to take my eyes off of her.

The thing is, that Irene was pretty, but it wasn't her features that made her stand out, it was something else. Watching her, I knew that there was something deeper and more powerful than her outward appearance.

I soon began to want this kind of beauty for myself. I looked for it in the bible, in the people I met, and in the prayers that I prayed. I searched for it daily and stretched myself thinly.

I think the importance was significant to me because I felt that I wasn't the most beautiful girl out there. Coming out of a long line of pristine genetics, I was aware that I had some how fallen short on the scale, and weather it was because of the world and its fictitious models, or my own interpretation of perfection. I found myself often living a life of comparison because some how Gods "perfect" did not help in making me feel like I was.

Saying that, I find it amazing that when the time came and I searched for security in my youth, God knowingly sent me a boy. Meeting Eugene, it was his compliments and flattery that became a starting ground to believing that I was created, perfectly, by God.

Even to this day I feel that Genius plays a large part in how I view myself. It was freeing to think that I no longer needed to compare myself to others.
And being the God that He is, I think He used that small bit of acceptance into strengthening me spiritually. In the years that followed, as my marriage grew, love deepened, and a faith matured, beauty looked different to me. More and more of it became less of what I looked like and more of who I was.

I realized this a couple months ago when we took family photos. As they exploded over my face book page and instagram, the feed back I received was mostly good. All but one girl, said that my updo made me look older in the photos and my reaction to her opinion, shocked me. Because instead of feeling threatened by her youth and beauty, I took hold of my age and replied that my intention was not to look younger or prettier. If I looked older, it's because I am well aware that I am aging. And that if I look like a mom, it's because I am.

For the first time in my life, I felt totally okay with that.

I now understand that on my own I am not a very good reflection. That beauty was never meant to be given, or earned, but rather beauty was intended to take the shape of the work that God is doing in my life. As for compliments, they are not supposed to help my self esteem, instead they are conformations of what god is working out in my life.

So, it's that kind of beauty that floats. It surrounds us, follows us, and takes on a different appearance. First by believing we were created perfect and then letting God complete His perfect work in us. That is nothing short of beautiful.

Floating, Hope.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Our new place

Six years ago we built our perfect dream home. We built it with the vision to entertain and fill it constantly with people. Indeed, many people walked through those doors and we were blessed with many relationships. But, although we tried to live a life that would bless others we seldom wondered if were living out Gods plan for our life.

As the economy crashed and the harsh reality hit our home, it forced the question on us, had we lived a life for God or for people? And had we lived out His plan for our lives? It didn't take long for us to see that although we lived in a great house, it was built on our own vision and our own dreams.

When the house finally went into foreclosure and the banks asked us to move we began to ask God the questions we needed to. Our prayer was that we wanted to live out this next season of our lives, purposely seeking out His plan for our life. Saying the words then, felt exciting, it seemed honorable and brave. So that's exactly what He challenged us to do, except being called to bravery suddenly meant letting go of everything we were holding onto. This included the lifestyle we were used to and the expectations that we placed on God.

I believe that letting go, allowed God to use that room in our hearts as growth for our faith. And as we drove around our little town, we explained to our kids that we were searching for the home that God had chosen for our us. That He told us to go look for a place and that it would be perfect for our family.

I am not sure if my kids will fully understand the whole miracle but I do know that the minute we walked on the property of the house we are in now, that there was something different about it. That as our feet touched the ground, we knew we found the place we've been searching for.

Of course, our hearts finally felt a sense of relief but it wasn't for very long. Two days later we found out that there was a sale pending on it and that the process with the banks would take us past our move out date. We were nervous, scared, and unsure but we knew what we heard and we felt that what we heard was Gods promise to us. So we looked at the worst case scenario and then chose to wait for this home to become available. We felt that even in our uncertainty we needed to believe that Gods hand was on this.

And we did, but when the news came in that there was also a grace period, and an issue with the banks. The pressure settled in. We asked God if this was even the home for us. We questioned God because we began to doubt His voice in us. We looked at our eviction papers and wondered if the possibility of having no home to go to, was a foolish step? Or a step of faith?

As we battled between rational thinking and faith we wondered what stepping out in faith even meant? Did it mean throwing away all rational thought? Did it mean fighting for a voice that we thought we heard? Did it mean focusing less on our understanding an more on His? The questions followed us until we were certain that it wouldnt be called "stepping out" if it didn't require us to completely leave all rational thinking and just take a leap.

After that, we still continued to receive news that was not in our favor for the following weeks. By then, we were living out of our boxes because we were living after our deadline. We did not know if we would come home to locked doors or belongings on the street. The only thing that sustained us as a family was that God knew the day we would actually be moving out on.

To make matters worse, after the sale didn't go through the house that we had been believing for was taken into foreclosure. Confused, we knew that we needed answers that were real and tangible. But when we went to the owners of the home, we received a very unique answer. One reply was that" it was highly unlikely and that the circumstances did not look in our favor". The other said that "everything looked well and we could move in".

So the question that we had to ask ourselves was, Would we move into a home that we might have to move out of?

Wondering about this and trying to make our next decision the right one, it dawned me that I had thought a lot about our family and not very much about the family we would be renting from. I began to wonder what kind of things they going through and what kind of uncertainty were they under that they couldn't even agree on an answer to give us?

That day, I felt that our family finally had the perspective we needed. I felt that this process was not to make it difficult for us but instead break us out of selfishness. That although it was easy to focus on our families needs, it didn't excuse us from being considerate about some one else's. God revealed to me, that this family was in a need of a miracle themselves and that my prayer had been answered months ago, it was just hidden in people. Praying for them simultaneously opened the door to an answered prayer for us.

The prayers I prayed are as follows.

God, thank you for having a plan in times when we didn't. Thank you for having a compassion and mercy that is insurmountable. Thank you for giving us time and being patient with us. For helping us grow and giving us room to grow. Thank you for doing all of this without disturbing the peace of our home and for filling our lives with faithful people.

Thank you for every day that we have had in our home. Thank you for hearing our prayers. Thank you for for giving us another chance with the house on 30th street. We know that we have been blessed, but today I want to pray for them. That you would bring peace in their life. That you would help them figure out their finances as quickly and as painlessly as possible. That you would help them because they chose to help us and in the process would they see the hand of God. I don't know what miracle they need, or the details of their life, but since it's been aligned in such a way where our lives are so determined by theres, I ask for your hand to be upon them also. I am uncertain if it is their house that we want or this prayer that that they need, but I know that somehow the two will work together. So just bless their socks off with your love. Be so real and so powerful that they will bring glory to your name. In the midst of that, while we wait for your work to be completed, I ask that you continue to bring us peace and certainty in our faith!


After a three month journey I find it so amazing is it that I serve a God who stands on his word and full fills his promises to us. He really showed our family what it meant to fight for Him, what it looked like to step out in our faith, and what it took to keep holding on to it.

Lots and lots of Hope.