Friday, June 6, 2014

I have hurt a lot of people

Today, I came face to face with me. And it wasn't a pretty confession.
It's something I have felt, but never said out loud. 
Perhaps it needed to be said. 

Perhaps the urgency in my spirit to give all praises to God were worthwhile.
No. They must have been because what started with a morning song, became my prayer.  Just minutes after I walked through the door.

It was a telephone call. 
From some one close to me.
One where her frustrations with me broke me down one sentence at a time. 

Now, I have to admit. That in the minutes of our conversation, I wish that I would have responded differently. 
I wish I would have heard her hurt. Before I heard the silence on the other end of the telephone line.
I wish so many things. 

Things that I can help, some times. 
Things I can't. 
But I often find myself wishing.

Hurt. Is such an interesting thing to me. I find myself hurting often.
But then again. I see myself as the one that's hurt. 
Instead of seeing individuals as the people I have broken.

I have heard people say "I have been hurt" more often than I have heard people say
"I have hurt a lot of people"
I am confessing today, that the people closest to me, I have often hurt.

It was a sad realization and it  needed to be written out. To see each letter, each word for what it was.
I. have. hurt. the. people. closest. to. me. often.

It was then that it occurred to me that today wasn't supposed to be about me. 
It was supposed to be about all the people whom I have hurt and all of the forgiveness that I have received.
I am so greatful that I have been forgiven, often. 

Especially by the people closest to me.

I didn't deserve what they, so freely,  hand out to me. 
I didn't deserve that kind of loyalty. 
But deep down, I knew that I was so grateful for all of it. 


Don't let the hurt I caused today, be something the enemy can use against me and my relationships. Instead, take the song I sang this morning and guide me to rise against what I am naturally lacking. Be the things I am not. In me. Until they become the only things I know.

I repeated my morning song, but this time it held so much more meaning. 
"Oh God you are my God, and I will ever praise you.
I will praise you in the morning, I will learn to walk in you way
And step by step you'll lead me , and I will follow you all of my days."

Step by step, is the hope I am hanging onto today, for what I hope,is  a brighter tomorrow.

Hope floats.