Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A new leaf

I could feel my heart throb inside of me, almost as if it were warning me. Quietly it persisted for days until it penetrated through my whole body and as I searched to understand just a part of it, words just couldn't surface. I felt completely stuck in the pit of my emotions as I wrestling with my mind, jumping to conclusions and debating all the reasons "why". But all I felt was a hurt for something I couldn't even fathome.

This continued through the holidays and into the new year until one sunny day on Sunday.

The sermon hit me hard. Powerfully pouring into the depth of my soul, pinpointing moments in my week of struggle as a week of power. It showed me the day when I recognized attack and proclaimed God's truth instead. It brought up my season of submission to God through the sorrow in my heart. A time when my laughter started to sound purer by the freedom I had in my soul. It reminded me about all my convictions when I studied the word by deserning my thoughts and challenging the intents of my heart. It began to tell me that honesty was powerful and transparency doesn't have faults.

Deeper and deeper God proclaimed his works in me. Reassuring me of my commitments. Securing me by the people he placed beside me. The ones he used everyday as a reminder that he understands, and that he is always there for me. So, as I filled back up on his love and his dedication, I began to realize that this year for Christmas he so much as loved me that he gave. He gave me the gift of being restored. Taking me from a place of self doubt to a place of security. And I recieved it, thankfully.

It was so good to know that he believed in me the whole time I couldn't believe in myself and that even though my Christmas didn't go as planned, it was good to know that I was a part of his plan. That he could use my family, my relatives, and my friends together in the mighty work of his hand.

I remembered that day in the car. The day my heart started to hurt for something I couldn't prepare my self for and it made sense. No one can understand God, and the moment you do is the exact moment you don't. That day, I didn't need to understand him or myself I just needed to live it through long enough so that he could reveal himself in me. And now, I can start this new year stronger then what I was. Better then where I was. Happier then who I was.
Restored, hope.

If are interested here is the link to the service from our church on Sunday.

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