Reign Down

The rains came in, pouring down heavily on my heart. In many ways today was a result of yesterdays problems and I knew it. Frustration had a way of coming out in questions and I wondered why God would stir up a hope that was meant for failure? What was the point of that? And now what, now what God?

I sit and I wait, I wait and I hope. At this point I wonder if I even have hope? Especially the kind that endures. I wonder how I could feel his presence all around me but yet feel so alone? I wonder how the bible can make so much sense but at the same time not be enough? I wonder if my confusion it that of doubt? I know if I doubt, I doubt him. PERIOD.

I drown myself in music, feeding off the words. Tasting their desperation in the moment that's very much my own.

Here I am down on my knees again,

Fighting to live and to breathe again,
Only surrender will help me now,
Only You can even take me now.
I know in this pain there is healing,
I believe in Your name, I find healing
Holding on another day...
Just to see what You will throw my way.
Falling apart, barely breathing
Broken heart, that's still beating
For every life there is reason.

There is something about words that's so powerful. But I had nothing left to say, nothing more to give and nothing else I could do. So I sat on the floor of my closet and let my heart do the talking this time, do the listening this once. With barely enough time to compose myself I heard the phone ring.

The conversation was about a girl who was drowning, deeper and deeper. With each moment she felt weaker, unable to move or to choose. Unable to fight she lets herself be attacked while every bone in her body cries out for help. Even in her state, when nothing can matter, she still hears the whispers of God. She still sees his hand upon her broken, tiny, frail, self and she cries. She cries because she wonders how she can feel his presence all around but yet feel so alone? She wonders why the bible makes so much sense but at the same time not be enough? In her confusion she begins to doubt. To doubt God, To doubt love, To doubt life.

In the depth of my despair I began to see the fingerprint of God on the whole day. How he used me and my situation to stir up feeling and even doubt just so I could understand this girl and pray a prayer for her. And maybe, when she lies awake at night that little voice inside her head will ring a little louder.

I sang the songs again, a song of hope for her.
Friends, hope.