Wednesday, May 21, 2014
When life gets small
By that I don't mean "waiting upon The Lord" kind of way.
But Waiting for more in the most worldly, snobby, ungrateful kind of way.
Waiting to make more money, to buy a house, to be more successful, to travel, to have everything plus a little bit more.
"I want a house." I said to my thoughts. "I want a yard, with pretty green grass, I want big windows that let a lot of light in, I want to be able to be noisy and not have our neighbors hear everything." I want. I want. I want.
I realized how quickly I allowed the desires of my heart to be replaced with the desires of the world. I realized just how shallow they were. How shallow I have become, and how they have held me back from seeing the fullness of God in my life.
And so, I said it out loud. I said it several times until the power of the words no longer had power over my heart.
"I may not get a chance to raise my kids in the house that I want." Deep breath.
"I may not get a chance to paint their bedrooms the colors they want, or have a play room, or have enough room." Another deep breath.
"I might have to live here longer than expected..."
"I may have to live here for a very long time."
Each thought settled in. Each thought released me from the disappointments that I walked in daily, wanting something different, wanting more instead of wanting what was needed.
And what I needed was this.
I needed to accept where we live, without any expectations set on moving.
I needed to allow the next season of our lives be a season of joy and of grate fullness.
I needed to be content, exactly where we were and where God placed our family.
I needed to save, not for something but for the freedom to move when God called us to.
I needed to invest into the memories of my children, more than the investments of things.
After I compiled a list of these things in my mind.
I think I was ready to hear Him. God. This was what I heard.
"You are living in one of the best seasons of your life. I have restored the wealth of you family, I have rescued you when you needed me. I have answered every prayer you've prayed, and I have protected you from things only I can see. I have given you everything, all that you need, and I have always honored my promises to you. I have blessed you and will hold my word true over your life".
It was one paragraph that contained my entire life.
And finally, I saw.
I saw my desires be filled with Gods promise and His perspective.
I saw the importance of our little yard. Our patch of grass and the new seeds that were coming through. I saw neighbors that worked for days trying to figure out the flooding problems and when they did, how grateful my kids were to them. That despite having a yard large enough to play in, what they saw was a yard large enough to grow a garden in. And through my kids, my heart rejoiced because even they saw that we had more than enough.
"I am choosing to be grateful for our little yard. I will not let the enemy deny me that which you have blessed me with or let it hold me back from your provision. Those who are wise with little will be wise with much, you said."
I saw my two windows, that I usually complain too much about because of how little light they let in, be enough. I saw that how our home was placed in such a way that it allowed our backyard to experience full sun. And quietly, I knew that the light I desired in our home, was very relevant to how much I actually wanted our lives to shine Jesus. It was vital, really, as both my husband and I agreed that we were living in the season where, how we lived our life and who God was to us, was going to be the foundation on how our children saw and knew Him.
"I am so grateful that you live in our hearts, God. I will no longer allow my disappintments to diminish your purpose and vision for my life or further, misrepresent you in my children's life. Be the light of the world, you said."
Lastly, I saw the noise that comes out of our duplex. I saw the one wall that separated our neighbors and us and I felt that just like our actions should portray Jesus, so should our noise. It's the noise of the day to day that God will use to bring our neighbors back to him. Because what they need, is not a pretty picture of a family, they have lived that. What they need is the noise of ours. A full house of a family and every noise that it comes it. They need it more than we need our privacy. And so, the one wall between their lives and ours was just enough for God to work with.
"I am so grateful that I have your word, living in and through the bible. I will no longer expect a private life, if it means living privately in my faith. Our words become our actions, you said."
This changed everything. It brought purpose and meaning to my seemingly simple life and it changed my heart. Perspective does that.
And it touched every area in my home. Big things, and small things.
I was finally being grateful and excited. I was finally content, not because I had less, but because I saw how much I had been given. My perspective was broadened and it reached for the eternal like never before.