Tuesday, April 19, 2011
So much has happened since the last time we talked, and it's amazing how much you have been on my mind. Each and every day I spent time with you, talking and getting to know you better. With that being said, I am so sorry for the way I handled our past conversation. A statement that seemed so simple to understand but came out in a frustration that was first triggered by anger and followed by sorrow.
I was watching you, along with others backslide into a pit of consuming guilt, tortured by ongoing choices, and then the fear of them. It seemed as natural to them as the weight of them on my shoulders. Pray for me they pleaded, as if a prayer would stop their poor decision making. As if the answer in their problems lied in the heart of my compassion. When actually it sounded more like an attempt to be rescued, because they didn't want to alter their behavior or open their mind. What they wanted was nothing more then Zedekiah wanted in Jeremiah. Release without remorse.
I felt the anger build up in me but this time I didn't persuade it to stop. I had a right. A sinful, human right to be mad. Mad that I stayed up half the night meditating on their personal behalf. Mad, that everything I hoped was not at all what it was. And perhaps it was because my lack of sleep, but as I sat in my pool of tears and tissues I saw myself frustrated with God and angry at myself.
I was anger with myself because I knew that I had judged them based on my own journey instead of remembering the paths of human weakness. The stubborn inclinations of our sinful hearts that don't give up until we give in. The constant need to wander and not restrain our feet. The stride we become a part of, that continually moves us backwards instead of forward. And even though it brings us only harm, it also has a way of making sense.
History has shown that we do not listen or pay attention. We follow our stubborn inclinations because for some messed up reason we trust them more. We do things that God doesn't command or mention, things that don't even enter his mind. (Jeremiah 19:5) and ignore his written promises to us. Promises that tell us that he can cure us of our backsliding, save us from the hands of the wicked, and redeem us from the grasp of the cruel. Until we are so over our heads that we need all of them.
So, you were right and I was wrong. I wasn't understanding you, because I had forgotten my own journey and the messed up places that used to be in. Thank you for helping me remember, not only my walk with him but also his promise. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And now, more then anything I want to believe in it for you, until you believe in it for yourself.
In Blessed life, week 9, I remembered the weaknesses in my journey to reach him, and the patience that he had with me.
No longer frustrated, hope.